I think it’s funny how people make plans. We all do it. Plans for our careers, our families, our relationships. It’s funny because, very rarely do they ever play out the way we expect them to. We can make all of the plans we want, but sometimes the universe has a different idea.
We had plans. We planned out our future together from the very beginning. Maybe that was part of our problem. We were so focused on making plans for the future, that we forgot to focus on what was happening to us at that moment.
I was going to marry you. I had every intention on spending the rest of my life with you and raising a family and following our dreams together. I was going to finish school and become a Psychologist and you were going to get your degree, as well. We were going to buy a house somewhere in the country and raise our family together. We were going to fall asleep together every night and wake up on Sunday mornings and drink coffee in our living room. We had so many dreams and so much love for one another. I was so excited to start our life together. I thought that was what you wanted to, but I was wrong.
It’s been two and a half months since our plan suddenly stopped existing. No warning. No explanation. Just all of a sudden, there was no more plan. I was destroyed. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest, torn apart, and shoved back inside of me. The heartbreak was so intense I could physically feel it. My life was flipped upside down in a matter of seconds when I read the text you sent me. “I don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore.” I was at work that morning when I read those words for the first time. (I read them over and over again later on trying to find some hidden meaning behind it.) I don’t remember the events that led to it, all I remember is collapsing to the ground in my coworker’s arms, crying, asking why this was happening. Why were you doing this? I kept asking them “Where do I go from here?”
I’ve spent the past two months trying to figure that out. Where I go now, what I do from here. I spent so much time focusing on US, that I forgot to focus on ME. I had no idea how I was supposed to survive without you, and I didn’t know if I would. There were so many times I was ready to take my life. I was ready to die. I felt unlovable, broken, unwanted. That’s not your fault entirely. I allowed myself to believe these things. I allowed myself to measure my own worth by the amount of affection I received from one single person. That was my fault, not yours. It wasn’t until now, that I’ve started to learn where I go from here.
I don’t need you, or any relationship, to continue my plan. I can do that on my own, by myself. I just have a new, improved plan now. I get to focus on me. On loving myself on my own, learning who I am on my own, finishing school and becoming the best damn Psychologist I can be… on my own. I don’t need you to do that. I don’t need to be with you to make something for myself. I am strong, fierce, empowered, and independent. I am learning how to take care of myself, for myself. And I want to thank you for that. If you wouldn’t have left, I would have never seen just how strong I really am. I never would have learned to love myself or take care of myself alone.
Now, when I do happen to stumble upon the person I want to make my plans with… I’ll be ready.